If you missed that yesterday, Fox Sports signed Tom Brady to a 375 million deal – more than the salary of his entire sporting career – to be his lead color critic for the NFL game when he retires, let’s say 2047. It’s not hard to understand why Fox chose to pay Brady so much. He’s the most famous footballer in history, and Fox wants a name-brand man on the booth for an internal reputation, and Joe Buck and Troy Ekman have left the network to trade on ESPN.
Unlike Tony Romo, Brady is not going to be interesting in the booth. Or intuitive. Or stimulated. Or even alive, really. He’s careful about restraining his clarity on what it will be, which is definitely something we all love from the person who pays to see it clearly in the game. Tom Brady is a strategically boring man, inspired by permanently lobotomized individuals. He can’t force kissing his own child on the face. When he takes over Fox Booth with play-by-play man Kevin Burkehart, he will prove to be an almost useless commentator because of what happened to Montana (Montana joined NBC as a studio man and Chevy Chase-Esk Nine survived. Weeks before leaving).
I still believe, to my dismay, there is an interesting person somewhere in Brady. But if such a person really exists in that plasticine melon of his, no matter how much he pays, he will never let it out. His time is not valued and he believes that you, the little ones, are better than being stupid anyway.
So, with that in mind, let me prepare you in advance to go to the area of Brady’s color guys, the exact words, 42 things he will say while in the air. Let’s get started.